my soul wont recognize me after tonight
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
