I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
