i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
