You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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