I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
