Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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