yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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