im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
