My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize