dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
