So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
