I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
