I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
