By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
