Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
