I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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