I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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