All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
