I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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