So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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