Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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