So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
