remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
