I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize