You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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