I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
