Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize