MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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