Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
