i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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