I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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