Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
