now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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