and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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