I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
