yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
