I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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