it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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