Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
