I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
