it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
