I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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