seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just forgot I was standing up.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
