I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
