this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
