You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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