So drunk, too bad you don't want this
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
