Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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