K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
