Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize