the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
