there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
