Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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