i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
