This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
is that a dick in a sweater?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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