I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
