I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
