the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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