Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woke up backwards on a recliner
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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