Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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