i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
