I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I smell stomach acid.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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